Toilets

  Usually I say you can judge a good restaurant by its bathrooms. Well it does make me feel better. When Brigitte and I were on the China border with Cuong we ate at this really great restaurant, one of my best meals so far and this time we really wished that Cuong was with us and hadn't run off. Cuong actually wanted to come to this border town more than we did. It was a huge shopping town of knock off Western clothes and Cuong wanted to buy something for his wife.
 
   Brigitte and I found a very popular restaurant. No menus. We pointed at another table's food and, of course, by doing this they wanted us to join them. We refused but that didn't stop them from bringing over the rice wine - high quality stuff too!
 
   The Peking Duck- the best ever, Chinese broccoli cooked perfectly, still slightly crisp with garlic and oyster sauce and fried tofu then braised with more vegies in this turmeric curry sauce. I'm sorry I can't describe more adequately the shiny dark amber of the duck, the bright greens and yellow sauce of the tofu. No matter where you go, no matter how simple or inexpensive, your meals are always colorful in Vietnam.
 
   Well, I had to pee. I open the door to a big cement room. A woman was guarding the door for her friends because it was used for both men and women. Several women were squatting with their pants down. There was no way I was going to squat on cement and have pee splatter all over me let alone step in it. I went back to the table and told Brigitte I was going to hold it.
 
   So I'm desperately looking for a place to pee and now Brigitte has to go, too. We see a hotel. I gotta tell you 90% of the time men can go anywhere. As a woman I think I could write a book on just toilets: the best ones, the worse ones and where to find them. If there's an expensive hotel around that's where I go. If like Raffles in Singapore or the Sofitel in Hanoi or even the St. Francis in San Francisco since they're conveniently located I'll go every time I'm close just because the bathrooms are so luxurious. 
 
   I have to sidetrack here. If you're in the St. Francis you must take the elevator (passed the bathrooms to the right) to the 30th, 31st, 32nd and keep pushing those numbers for one of the best views in town. The last time I did this a Latino man with his young son were doing the same. If you're really lucky no one will get in on your way down and you'll get that feeling of having your stomach drop. Kids love this and so do I!
 
    Back to this hotel at the Friendship border - it was not like one of those mentioned above. We enter the hotel and I seem to have a homing device to find the bathroom quickly. There it is, the WC. Brigitte and I go in and immediately the smell of ammonia overwhelms me. It's an open room with a trough and four holes in it. Most of these holes have been missed. Piles of feces surround them. I have to go. I squat and hold my breath. Brigitte is squatting besides me. This clinches our bond.
 

Fainting

So I lied. I have almost fainted (or something) before. The something was 30 years ago in Hawaii. I used to hitchhike all the time, especially when I lived on the Big Island of Hawaii. I first lived in Volcano, Hawaii. I worked for Volcano House when it was privately owned. If you worked for Volcano House you could live in the employee cabins for only $50 a month. On my shifts I could eat for free so I spent very little money - all besides the point. Volcano was at 5000 feet, so it was wasn't hot, quite cool at night, and not near the beach so on my days off I'd hitch, usually to Kona. I usually stayed with my friends on lived on Telephone Exchange Road. I have lots of wild hitchhiking stories. They will have to be told another time. But on this one particular time I was picked up by these religious fanatics.

These fanatics preached to me the evils of alcohol, they gave me a bible, and prayed I would get a safe ride the rest of the way to Kona. As soon as I got out of their van I was picked up by some other friends of mine and we immediately beelined it to the nearest liquor store. We drank and made our way towards Telephone Exchange. When I got out of the car I fell to the ground and had some sort of epileptic type fit. Second later I came to and I was totally sober. Obviously, I was freaked out and didn't drink any more that night.

The next day I went to the nearest Alcohol Anonymous chapter. After a few minutes of listening to more religious spill I decided there was nothing wrong with me. I never had anything happen like that again.

Ten years ago I was working at L'Osteria del Forno. The chef brought in some habinero peppers and me being the masochistic, macho that I am ate two - just to make sure he knew how tough I was. My mouth wasn't on fire, but I felt like passing out. The other waitress told me to go upstairs to storage room and lay down. We weren't busy so I went up there, laid on my back and put my feet up. In just a couple of minutes it was as if I never ate them. I felt fine and went back to work.

This brings me to my most recent episode. On December 31st my cousin Catha and her husband, Ron were here visiting and Catha wanted to see the Owen's home in Independence. I really could care less about ancestors. I have never been to Independence. Harry Truman is from there and seems to be a favorite school outing, but our class never went. I just wanted to get out of the house.

The previous day I was at the Podunk gym. There was a girl twenty years younger than me who was going quite fast on the treadmill next to me. I couldn't stand that and upped my speed. My hip hurt afterwards, but that didn't stop me from shoveling more snow off the driveway. I was limping now. I knew the gym would be closed on January 1st, so although I was limping I went back to the gym on the 31st and ran an hour more on the treadmill. When my cousins came to pick my mother and myself up, I could barely walk.

I don't want to leave out anything so whether it's important or not, I'm mentioning it. It's not unusual for me to not sleep well and the night before was no different. I also want to mention that I had a glass of wine with lunch before we went to this house. Most of the time when I go out for lunch with others I have a glass of wine. I ate well and felt fine except for my limp. Then we went to the house.

The owner of the home was excited to see us and immediately started talking about Sam Owens and his wild daughters. I wasn't listening well and I'm sure Catha will correct me, but one ran off and married a lawyer when she was 14. He later killed a man he thought was flirting with her in this very house. It was either her or her sister that was married to three men at the same time.

I wasn't listening well, because I desperate to sit down. I became dizzy as soon as I walked in the door. The house was filled with antiques. I had to sit, but where? I kept telling myself not to fall, I had to keep moving. I moved closer to the door and when I couldn't stand it, I went out. I thought the air would help but it didn't. I went back in and asked Ron for the keys to his car. "I have to lay down."

The woman of the house said I could lay down in the family room. I went in there and laid on the sofa with my feet propped up on the arm. I laid prone for 20 minutes. Then I was fine.

After the tour the owner told us I wasn't the only one this happened to. One woman refuses to ever go in the house again. She said there might be ghosts. Ron teased me, saying one entered my body.

This assumption pleases me. I'm sure there's another reason but I don't think having one glass of wine or pulling a muscle is it.

American Legion

It used to be the only place to have a drink in Podunkville was the Town Tavern. Now there's the American Legion. I guess the veterans can go there and get wasted to forget the war they fought. I don't know if there were any vets there last night. I can't believe I was there myself. Podunkville is about 20 miles miles from Kansas City. It bad enough to have to drive that far in good weather but the snow on the roads have barely been plowed. I could go to Justus Drugstore for a tasty concoction or a nice glass of wine but they are not cheap. Since I'm practically broke I can't be going there often.

Well, my mother invited me to go to the Drugstore with her. "But I'm only buying you tea." I wanted something stronger than that so I brought some cash. And I lucked out. My equally bored neighbor (unemployed/living with elderly parents) was there with her two sons who were visiting for the holidays. She asked if she could buy us a drink. Great! I got some yummy infused vodka drink and talked to her charming sons, mostly about Tony Bourdain, our idol.

I was also killing time until a couple of other old high school friends called me. Jeff, who lives in Sacramento, and Jamie, who lives in St. Louis were both back for the holidays. Jamie wanted to play pool at the American Legion. He said it's 'the place' to go in Podunkville. The place to go? So if I want to see other inebriated high school friends this where I would find them.

They pick me up at the Drugstore and off we go. I didn't think of music. If I had thought I probably would have been more hesitant about going. I can't stand country music. Before I got my drink I heard the Clash. "Wow! Thank you, Jamie" He knew I'd appreciate that. So at various times to keep my sanity, I had to shove some red neck aside to play some Ramones, Springsteen, Hendrix, and the Beastie Boys on the jute box.

Oh we played pool.Unfortunately for Jeff, I had to be his partner. But considering I haven't played in 15 years, I didn't think I did so badly. And as far as seeing anyone I knew, I only recognized one. The pounds and wrinkles made it difficult to figure out the others.

As you read in my Nuisance story there are corrupt cops in this area. I swear there must be one for every residence and they are bored. I will not let Jeff and Jamie drive back to Blue Springs, an hour away. "There's plenty of room at my mother's house." I don't want to go to jail again and I don't want them to either.

Will I go back to the American Legion? Although there was music I liked and I could refine my pool playing, unless Jamie or Jeff come back to town before I leave I doubt it.

Nuisance

Nuisance loves me. If it wasn't for me he'd have a different home - if one. There's a long story that goes with the day I got my family (my mother and father) to adopt him. I would have adopted him myself except I was living in San Francisco. A place I never thought I'd leave. I was just visiting Podunkville - something I didn't do even annually. I once went four years without coming to visit - I like it so much.

So on this day, July 24, 2004, I just ran six miles. I was getting ready to swim in my parent's pool when I saw what I thought was a rat. Not unusual. My parent live close to a woods. When I was growing up I found different animals in the pool I'd have to save or just retrieve, if they already drowned. In this case, it wasn't a rat but a baby bunny and still alive. I wrapped it in some towels and gave it some lettuce to eat. I kept an eye on it periodically and then suddenly it was gone. Just minutes later I saw a small scrawny cat hanging around. "Well, I have to feed that cat or he's going to eat my bunny." I said to myself. So I did.

As I swam my laps my father came out. His dog, Henry, had just died the previous week. "I guess we have a new pet," he says. "What should we name him ?" I asked. "Nuisance." And Nuisance became his name.

After swimming my laps I jumped on my nephew's bike, that was left here, and rode to Paradise eight miles away.

I felt fit after doing my little mini triathlon and ready to see my friend, Rodney, in the city. Rodney used to have a different girlfriend every time I saw him. I used to call him the Hugh Hefner of Kansas City. I have known him since I was four and as he would go through different women I remained his friend. As I've said before Rodney is the hippest person I know. I always have a great time with him and this time was no different. Except!

Except I had way too much to drink. Rodney suggested I stay at his house in the city. I didn't want to. I didn't want to because now I had the munchies and I wanted some ice cream that I knew was in my parents' freezer.

Although I didn't know Kansas City well, I had no problem getting out and on the highway back to Podunkville. I was a half mile from my parents' house when I got pulled over for not using my blinker. Why would I use my blinker? There was no one else on the road. That was the cop's excuse. A fight ensued and I manage to spit, kick and shove him. First I'm taken to the city jail, but because I assaulted the cop I was later taken to the county one.

I ended up getting a DUI and had to do a weekend in a motel taking alcohol related classes. This was actually fun. There were lots of games and I was very competitive. I considered the other 17 guys all idiots and red necks, but there were two other girls; one, an airline hostess and the other, an athletic club manager. We hung out together. At the end of the weekend everyone, except me, was told to never drink again. I was told I could have two classes of wine a days - seriously I'm not lying. I have my report.

Oh and the assault was dropped because the cop was fired for molesting another woman.

I'm writing about this now because at this moment Nuisance is sleeping next to me and he looks so sweet. My mother is threatening to get rid of him because he peed on her pillow. We both have our issues.

Dough

For those of you that think I only load up on fatty meats I want you to know that on Sunday I went out with my vegan friend, Diana. Actually, my excuse to come to San Francisco this time was to go to Diana's wedding. I really wanted to go because she was having it at 'Millenium' a very upscale vegan restaurant. Unfortunately, I thought it was the 13th but it's the 20th. I have to leave on the 16th. Just as well, she said because she'd be tide up with family.

So on Sunday we went to 'Herbivore' an inexpensive vegetarian/vegan cafe. I had some spicy lemongrass noodles with tofu. And hey, I loved every bite. So There!

Meanwhile back at the ranch and fatty meat. We went to 'Flour and Water' (www.flourandwater.com) last night. We started off with lamb tongue salad with a poached egg and salsa verde. Usually salsa verde is made with cilantro but this was made with mint. That was good but both Kathy and I thought the tongue had too much of a vinegar taste. We all loved the other appetizer: crispy pork and black truffle terrine with pickled red carrots.

Thank god I read 'Yelp' before we left or would have never thought to order the celery root tortelloni - melt in your mouth good. The beet chitarra (basically beet spaghetti) with braised octopus didn't fare as well. I make a fabulous beet gnocchi so I was pretty critical. There wasn't much of a beet taste and the octopus was too chewy.

The seared pheasant with the roasted pumpkin puree, quince and raisin- pine nut relish was the highlight of the meal. The pheasant was succulent. We fought over the last bites!

Quince is in season and like everything in season I eat as much as possible. I said the pheasant was the highlight, but the goat cheese torte with poached quince and candied Meyer lemon made this a memorable night. Oh the Italian wines were fairly priced and we each had a different glass to end the night, but Nick had brought a delicious Story Winery 2003 Picnic Hill old vines Zinfandel, which we started with.

Now I'm so depressed. I hate leaving San Francisco. If you don't hear from me it's because I've slit my throat.

Hiatus but Not From Food

As soon as Nick and Kathy picked me up in San Francisco (in their brand new Lexus hybrid BTW) we went to buy Dungeness crab. They wanted to buy already cooked crab. I have never bought cooked crab and convinced them to buy live ones. It was the first time for them. This surprised me and it's not the first time I've been surprised by people I know are foodies but afraid to kill the food they eat. Hey someone has to kill it and if you are going to eat meat or fish I think it's better if you do it. The fresher the better.

They bought four big crabs and I put them their bathtub filled with water and salt. They were so happy. Nick fed them bonito flakes and they played around while we did other things. Then I got the pots of boiling water ready and stuffed them in. I didn't cooked them all the way. Half way through I pulled them out, cracked them, and marinated them for a couple of hours in thyme, toasted fennel seed, parsley, red pepper flakes, garlic and olive oil. Then I roasted them for ten minutes - yummy! With the left overs I made crab cakes - equally delicious.

Later in the week I went to 'Range' (www.rangesf.com) My friend Elizabeth's adorable boyfriend, Jeff, is a bartender there. He made us a gin drink with lemon verbena and egg whites called 'The Fizz'. We had a smoked trout appetizer with pea tendrils, satsuma oranges, and roasted golden beets. We also had pumpkin sage raviolis. For my entree I had duck breast with Brussels sprouts and a wild mushroom crepe - oh yeah! I didn't need dessert but it came anyway: a quince tart with creame fraiche - to die for.

The next night I went out with the girls to 'Nopalitos'. Nopa means north of the panhandle. Nopalitos is their baby Latin restaurant. Unfortunately, I didn't eat all my duck the night before and made a duck and avocado sandwich. The sauce that came with it was better than mayonnaise. It spoiled my appetite for dinner. I wanted to have the pork enchilado appetizer with two types of chiles and queso fresco, but my tummy only had room for the goat in the mole sauce. It was beyond my expectations with their delicious organic corn tortillas. I couldn't even manage a bite of the pozole or the carnitas my friends were having. Everyone else said I was missing out since it was so wonderful.

Last night I went to one of my favorite restaurants, 'Beretta', (www.berettasf.com). Last time I was here I went there three times and each time I had lardo. Lardo (like it sounds) and foie gras are what I would eat every day if I was skinny and rich. I manage to get someone else to treat me every time I go here. Last night my cousin, Catha and her husband, Ron, took me. I had lardo to myself since they were both concerned about their cholesterol levels. We also had: fava bean crostini (I told you before that I make a better one but if you didn't have mine you'd think this was the best), chicken liver pate, carbonato, mixed beet salad, gnocchi, rocket with parmesan cheese, wintergreens with persimmons and pomegranates.

Tomorrow Nick and Kathy are taking me to 'Flour and Water' - tune in for that because it is the hip spot to go. I'll let you know if it is worth it.

Hiatus

I'm sure you figured out that I'm back in the States. I'm in my beloved city, San Francisco but not for long. I'm broke so I have to live with my mother in Podunkville, the place I've been trying to escape since I was five.

For the next five months I will write about Podunkville whether you are interested or not. It's full of bible thumping racists so you might want to tune in for a different perspective or hear about yourself.

I will always consider San Francisco my home. I am a left wing socialist so being in Podunkville will be like being in prison. The only saving grace is my brother's restaurant 'Justus Drugstore'. Stepping into his and his wife's restaurant is like stepping back into San Francisco.